I flat out didn’t post. But it was a rough day. My emotions were high. Older girls went back to school which is always hard. My man’s health has been not so great lately and my mind was in an uncooperative state went it came to being happy. But looking back on it I can be grateful for endurance. Because I basically journaled it out with God and ended up with the fact that this is just a season and rather than run and curl up in a ball of denial, I could just stare the trash in the face , decide not to be afraid and trust God will get me through . I could ask “What I am supposed to learn in this season? “ What lesson. Sometimes the answer isn’t fun.
The lesson might be how to endure, how to be grateful in hard times.
Or this is a sticky one: Dependence.
Dependence on God to meet my needs.
Dependence on God to be faithful.
Dependence on God’s love even when I don’t feel it.
I think this is part of what I am learning, because so far the begging for relief and the hiding coping skills I possess (insert sleep, apathy, resentment) just haven’t really gotten me anywhere. Shocking I know , right? This stinking thinking reminds me of a line from a country song: “You ask a Jeannie in a bottle of Jack Daniels and she lies to you.” Yeah that kind of face palming epiphany.
I also received a dose of conviction about my emotional/spiritual laziness. I called it “ If I just ignore it , it will go away” but alas the toma-to/tom-a-to doesn’t really apply here. Ignoring darkness doesn’t destroy it only light can do that. So it requires – wait for it – exposure. It’s hard to get that in the fetal position, covers overhead, cry festival. But I looked for it there anyway.
This realization brought to the forefront that I need to work at (read- participate in ) being happy. Now this is not to diminish the times I have tried and still didn’t feel better. It happens, but I am coming to accept that anything is better than lying down in the depression/ anxiety. Because even if my efforts result in very little betterment, the act of not giving in, however that looks, counts in and of itself. It builds up muscle against the darkness and next time I’m that much stronger and experienced.
The act of NOT giving in can look different every day. It can be a funny movie, purposely thinking of someone’s else’s needs and acting, reading scripture, praying for myself and others, stating truth out loud, exercise, walk the dog or maybe even a nap; (if it’s not in the I need to be unconscious sad hide mode) Just resting in God and doing the next thing in front of you is enough. Sometimes I clean a lot or organize something just to be moving and then even if my mood stays the same at least I have a clean organized area.
|Dancing with a large shrimp- just one depression buster idea!|
Sometimes it’s intentional self-care. How long has it been since I shaved my legs? How about a face mask, treat myself to a pedicure or attempt something on Pinterest. Think about how awesome my abs would be if I dropped and gave 50 every time I had a distressing, negative thought. 12 pack baby- nothing but steel.
Anyway I am grateful I kept on keeping on yesterday. The day was better for it. I was better for it. Everyone around me was better for it. And even though at the end of the day I was still a little down in the dumps I looked back at all that went on during the day and it made me smile. I was glad I did it even if it was like walk in through jello . I got to kinda have a yeah baby- take that dark cloud –moment and I got to be grateful.
Victory and Gratitude. Nice combo.
So I am choosing to be grateful for the struggle and the presence of God while enduring tough seasons and I choosing to be grateful to let the outcome of be in God’s hands.
Because at the end of the day I can depend on God because He is dependable.